Daily Encounter with ACTS

1. How to Fight Fair, Part II

"But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus,'And who is my neighbor?'" (Luke 10:29, NIV).

Author John Powell expressed this attitude poignantly when he said, "We defend our dishonesty [denying and not sharing our true feelings] on the grounds that it may hurt another person, and then, having rationalized our phoniness into nobility, we settle for superficial relationships."2
In continuing our series on resolving conflict the fourth point is to use "I" messages. That is, instead of saying, "You make me mad," or "You really hurt my feelings," say words to this effect. "When you say (or do) things like thus and so, I feel hurt and/or angry, and I need to talk to you about it." This helps you take responsibility for your feelings and avoid blaming others. Many of us are like the lawyer in theBible who, "wanting to justify himself, said to Jesus, 'And who is my neighbor?'"3 This was when Jesus told him that the greatest commandment was to love God and your neighbor as yourself.
Blaming others blocks resolution. As difficult as it may be, I need to admit that nobody causes my hurtfeelings or makes me angry without my permission. Asmy colleague Dr. Narramore puts it, "The other person is responsible for their action. We are responsiblefor our reaction!"
For instance, if I had a perfect self-concept--which I don't have--my feelings would rarely be hurt. What the other person said or did wouldn't upset me. But if I feel inferior or have low self-esteem, I will be easily wounded and/or angered. To the degree I overreact, however, that is my problem--not theirs.
Overreactions happen when unresolved issues or wounds from our past are triggered. So the more I have resolved my issues from the past, the less I will overreact when negative things happen to me. This isn't to say that we won't get our feelings hurt or that we shouldn't feel angry at times, but we need to learn how to react in the right manner at the right time in the right proportion to what has happened, not in proportion to our hypersensitivity.
Fifth. Working with several hundred divorced people over the past decade, I have found that the majority blame their former spouse for the breakup of their marriage without taking a serious look at what they contributed. Conflicts can only be resolved and we can only grow when both parties acknowledge their contribution to the problem or misunderstanding. Yes, it is true, some people are belligerent, dogmatic, and abusive. Even the Bible implies that some people are impossible to get along with.4 But even then there is something we can do. It may be standing up for ourselves--that is, overcoming our overly passive or overly dependent, or super-sensitive style by saying,"No more--enough is enough," and exercising toughlove. In every situation there is always some responsibility we can exercise. To be concluded ...
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, in every conflict situation please help me to be non-defensive, quit playing the blame-game, and see how in any way I mightbe overreacting and use this as a motivation to grow and become a more loving, understanding and mature adult. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer.Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."